


Diary of Things He'll Never Know

by ThePureWolf



Category: His - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Depression, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt, Emotional pain, F/M, For anyone that will listen, Hurt, Inspired by Poetry, Jealousy, Love, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Suicide, Pain, Poetry, Romance, Unrequited Love, Unreturned Feelings, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 13:14:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10640565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePureWolf/pseuds/ThePureWolf
Summary: Diary of the things he'll never know, the sing for him I'll never wright, the pain he causes that can not be resolved why I'm so god damn in love with him. For anyone that's willing to listen. I can't bottle it up anymore.Written in the notes app on my phone, finally decided to share...





	1. 1/4/17

The day I stop thinking of you is the day that the sky is no longer blue.


	2. 1/15/17

I haven't felt the warmth of the sun in ages  
Cloudy white smoke floats off my lips caused by the cold that stuck around when you left.


	3. 1/24/17

You give me so many butterflies.  
The Butterflies turn to wasps that sting my throat when I see you with her.


	4. 2/2/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Am I a bad person?

It hurts to see you hold her.   
I'm scared she's going to hurt you.  
But I don't want the pain of you two splitting to hurt you either.  
How do I know you're happy with her?  
How do I know she's what's best when I don't even know her?  
I want to believe she's good like you are, but how can I know?


	5. 2/4/17

You're the purest thing out there and you don't even know it.  
Your eyes sparkle brighter than any star and your smile brightens my heart better than the sun brightens the world.


	6. 2/9/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of suicide/ thoughts of suicide.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not really drowning, but floating. Part of that is because him. Like I'm still dying, but I'm not struggling, I'm just accepting it. There's a him, on the surface, with HER. But then there is one down below the surface with me. And he tells me I'm okay. He tells me this is all fine. He might be the one that's going to kill me but it seems a peaceful way to go, with him down there holding me close. At least when I die it will be with the person I want to be with. Even if that isn't the REAL person.


	7. 2/17/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you knew me, would this be different? Would I even have a chance against someone as beautiful as her?

How can I love you all these years, while she only knows you for a couple months, and you pick her?


	8. 2/25/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't even know you're killing me. I don't think I want you to know.

Having your soul, heart, and spirit destroyed by the person you love is a strange thing.


	9. 3/10/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All it took was one picture.

It's only a kiss on the cheek, so why is it splitting my heart in two?  
I can barely hold it in while surrounded by people. The tears burn as I try to hold it back along with the steady rise of nausea caused by the pain wrenching my gut, threatening to make me throw up. Is she the one twisting the knife or are you?


	10. 3/25/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off a poem read in class about love. Of course all I could think about was you.

You're an extravagant fish out in the waves,  
I'm a common house pet in a little bowl.  
I watch you twirl with the others more free than me,  
While I'm stuck here wishing for what could be.


	11. 4/15/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all come crashing again. The loneliness is so crushing.

What if there is multiple universes, different dimensions and different timelines and different versions of each and everyone of us. In one maybe humans have advanced faster and are now exploring space like we're driving our cars to work. Maybe we all have magical powers that are unique for each person or we all of tails and live in the ocean or wings and can fly through the sky. Maybe a version of me is a hot babe that isn't so socially awkward and introverted. Maybe I'm even rich in another one. But the Me that I'm jealous of the most is the me that gets to be with you. The me that has your love back and that version of you is happy with that version of me. Maybe there is a world where you are the one pining after me, and I don't know YOU exist. You're the one up at midnight writing down your feelings to calm the hurt in your heart. If I could leave this universe, and find the universe with that version of you, we could leave and be happy together. But we can't do that, can we? Instead I'm stuck writing about how much I love you to a bright screen that doesn't care.


	12. 4/16/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to be there for you, and show how much I love you

You're sick, an infection in your voice box. I have such an overwhelming need to take care of you, to try to make you feel better and help in any way I can that it physically hurts not to be near you. Yet I'm not near you. You will never know how badly I want to make every type of tea or water mix that could help your throat, give you a white board or a notepad so you don't have to talk, and just cuddle with you and watch movies all day and kiss your throat till you feel better. But I can't. I would give away day upon day for you. But you don't want it. You don't care. You don't love me. So there is nothing I can do except stay here and hope that your girlfriend has enough sense to take care of you the way I want to.


	13. 4/29/17

You've hurt me again today, worse than you usually do, and you don't even realize. it. It's a deep pain in my chest that won't leave. You said she was out if your league. You were around her constantly and kept flaunting that you were out with her. That you're dating her. If you think she's out if your league it's because she forced you into thinking that. Because, baby, you're far beyond everyone's league. Why do you continue to hurt me even though I love you so much? You're getting so distant, so far away. And now... Now I don't know if I can reach you anymore.


	14. 5/17/17

Just when I thought I was finally getting over you, I fall for you all over again. Maybe it was the way your eyes shined in that lighting, she sound of your voice as you get excited. Maybe it was the way you laughed and smiled or the way you were able to make ME laugh and smile. Maybe the feelings never went away, I just got use to them, and now they've gotten strong enough that it feels like falling in love again. Every piece of you is a sweet chocolate, and I'm a chocoholic. And, baby, I love you.


	15. 5/28/17

He's my wonderwall. I am infatuated with him and I can't tell if he's infatuated with me or if I'm a friend to him. He says that he cares about me, but how deep does that root go? Does he do small things because he cares about me as a friend? Or dies he do small things because he's grown to care deeply for me as more than a friend, and he's not use to feelings like that and doesn't know how to express it? Does he go after that other girl because he makes him feel lust, what he's use to, and I make him feel more? Or am I kidding myself, trying to find an excuse for the connection I felt to him that as far as I know is completely one sided. What is the correct option, the correct root, the correct path? How am I suppose to continue on a path without knowing how far to push? How do I make myself aware of his true intentions? I feel like I need to stop looking and hearing and start feeling from inside myself while around him. He says I distract him. He makes small mistakes when I'm around and seems to focus in me. How much if that is real? How much of that is his flirtatious ways?


End file.
